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Sunday, June 14, 2009
the following content is taken from http://iamjudith.livejournal.com/
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Posted on 2009.06.14 at 20:25
This space has always been filled with details of my life, but a heads up, everything I write has been of the trivial side of my existence. Why I don’t write about the more deep emotions and thoughts in my head? I don’t know. I’m not one to be excessively shy, but perhaps I don’t feel the need to let the world know -everything- about me either. Maybe I like the slight air of mystery? I’ve yet to figure that out. But I’ve decided that I shall make a confession today.
I have never been in love, nor have I ever been in a relationship. Because of this, I won’t be able to write songs like Taylor Swift’s any time soon, but that’s not the point. It's been seventeen years since I took my first breath, and this time has allowed me to encounter many boys, many of which had/have great characters, great hearts and were/are great friends. But I’ve never fallen in love with any of those boys that were/still are part of my life. Maybe Disney and Hollywood has given me unrealistic expectations on love, but I’ve only really crushed on 2 boys ever, and I don’t think I’ve even told them I liked them. Anyway, they are irrelevant to this ramble.
Almost-boyfriends: A term coined by yours truly to describe boys whom I had some feelings for and vice versa. In my early adolescence, I’ve had a couple of almost-boyfriends. Many hours had been spent deliberating my feelings for these almost-boyfriends, and the same question always rung through my mind: Should I let him know that I feel the same way he feels about me? I even made a pro-con list on one occasion. Somehow every time this happens, I find a reason to decide not to. This reasons range from the logical; ‘we’re too young’, ‘we don’t click very well’, to the outright superficial; ’he’s not smart enough’, ‘he’s not witty enough’. Somehow, I always end up pushing them all away.
This leads me to my next point. Not so long ago, a friend of mine, in drunken ignorance, did something that could compromise her relationship. While comforting her, I found myself being thankful for not being attached. I had never -really- thought of my stance on relationships, and hearing this thought resound in my head led me to a strange but enlightening revelation. I am afraid to commit.
And the reason to this fear of commitment? I’m afraid of emotional drama. I’ve seen so many people crumble over fights, unreciprocated feelings, dwindled feelings, jealousy, and basically all that shit that a relationship entails. I mean, it’s impossible to go through a relationship without fighting, and the idea of being an emotional wreck over a boy repulses me. Actually, I just won’t like being an emotional wreck period. (I don’t want to cry myself to sleep and listen to Avril Lavigne songs.) Hence, I avoid the emotions.
I like not being attached. I like the freedom to do whatever I want, go wherever I want with whomever I want (I say this on a shallow basis as I still have curfew and parents who care what I do), without anyone to report to. I like not having to worry about where my boyfriend is, whom he’s with, how he’s feeling, or whatever you attached people worry about.
Then again, I’m missing out on all of the good stuff too. Being cheesy and quoting Moulin Rouge, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.” I guess when the right boy comes along, I’d be more than willing to give up the perks of being solo, and jump, with both feet and my eyes closed, into the one thing I’ve been subconsciously avoiding—with trust.
So to my future boyfriend(s), count yourself lucky! (I don’t mean this in an egoistic way)
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after reading that post,i feel that im as guilty as she is.im afraid to commit.just change the words 'boyfriends', 'guys' to 'girlfriends','ladies'(you're no more children are you,ladies?) and her post would have been as good as my own
well,you could say some of us have been brought up to shun relationships at such tender age but hey,if you dont experience it now,how are you supposed to know what to do when you want to court someone in your adult life?
its a bit hard to hear such rubbish from a guy(especially since some ladies sometimes think guys just want the relationship for cold hard pleasure,which isnt really wrong btw,since i do know a few guys in that situation)but seriously,how are you to know if a person really likes you?
ok,i'll shout it out for all to hear.
IM AFRAID OF REJECTION.
not only that, IM AFRAID I CANT FULFIL ALL HER NEEDS.im not really an expat just so you know,so i doubt i'll survive the first few months of dating bringing her out,let alone a few weeks. you may say that money isnt necessary in a relationship, but then again,its the only factor you can control in the relationship and its what helps you set the mood for whatever you are planning for.isnt it?
back to what i said earlier.how do you know he/she likes you? i know what guys look out for,but the thing is,what do the LADIES look out for?any person can answer this actually,above average looks is normally good enough for her since she would always want to look better,keep her interest in mind at al times.simple.now comes the hard part.how do you know she likes what you're about to do if you've just met her?sometimes she may just not really be into you,so you cant really force yourself into her life.
i just cant keep myself from contemplating,thinking whether its the right thing to do.believe me, i've had tons and tons and tons of crushes no one has ever known about,not even my closest friends..........all because i was too shy,or maybe i was afraid i would be called a supposedly 'player' among my friends?not like peopl wil think i am looking at how i am anyways.or is it just that i have this inferiority complex about the girls i've liked,always thinking that some other guy is more suitable for her and that she's just to good for me?
now that last part is VERY common among most guys out there.even if they dont say it,literally every guy has suffered some form of inferiority complex with the girl he liked/had a crush on.but like i said,girls dont normally care about our looks.what they care more is about whether we can entertain her,fulfil her wants and desires and ultimately, LOVE HER.the last hurdle that always catches guys off guard.those who make it this far have to face the challenge of commitment,the lost of a guy's freedom from intermingling with other ladies we might also be fond off,hence supposedly cutting off contact with the feminine world(excluding your girlfriend of course)
so what am i talking about?i dont know,really.all i know is that the post made me realize something.something that has been troubling me this whole time.and i just feel......no.i know that i wont be complete till i find out just what true love really is.
muntaquim was hungry @ 10:16 PM. + + +
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